Terror
by CyrusLestrange
Summary: Ginny Weasley realizes she is falling in love with Draco Malfoy, and of all the terror she has experienced in a relatively short life, this trumps all. A one-shot character study.


_Because he's a MALFOY._

Ron's words are echoing in my mind and the fact that I can't forget them makes me know, somewhere scared and deep down, that part of me agrees.

What is it about your own feelings, that can be more frightening than nearly anything else in the world?

I've lived through, _fought even_, in a bloody war. I've been a slave to Tom Riddle himself, and lived out a thousand horrible things in a thousand horrible nightmares for years after. I've known mortal terror probably too much for somebody my age, but somehow, I have never minded it half as much as the terror I have experienced in realizing my own emotions.

The _terror _of realizing that it was _me_, that _I_ opened the chamber of secrets, I hurt all those people. The horrific feeling of standing there, small, watching the wave of guilt and shame thunder towards me like a tsunami.

The _terror_ of seeing Fred's body, more peaceful and more still than it ever could have been in life, lying on mum's cloak on the floor of the Great Hall. The insurmountable fear of knowing the terrible grief and emptiness that I was going to feel, as soon as the sickening shock wore off.

The terror of falling in love.

Love is a many splendored thing. Love is the root of life, the current that runs the world. Love is bliss, love is freedom, love makes you shout from the hilltops, jump with joy, go mad with foolishness.

Most of the time.

I love life, I love to love, I love to feel alive. But there is something about _this_, this particular feeling of love inside of me, that makes me feel bloody terrified.

I feel turned inside out, I feel raw and exposed, I feel wide-eyed and like someone I don't completely know. I feel like there is a part of me that lives down, so deeply in my heart, that she has never seen the light of day until now. Until, inexplicably, this silver-haired dragon, this social pariah, dragged her to the surface by means I can't even begin to guess at.

I clearly remember being strong. I _clearly remember_ that 'fiery' is the word that has been most used in my life to describe my temperament.

But now? I am knock-kneed, newborn- this emotional pit of a girl who can't even take a deep breath without wanting to cry. From what? Happiness? Beauty? Fright?

And he? He is … _evil_. I am ninety percent sure that he is _not_ a good human. He certainly makes every effort to upkeep that reputation.

He is mean and cynical, jaded beyond belief for his age. He is forceful and highborn, with a family history and tree that is literally out of the Dark Ages. He carries some part of the world on his shoulders, and I'm not even quite sure what that part is. I don't know what he does with his time. I don't know if he spends it torturing Muggles, Crucifying House-Elves, or plotting the world's demise. Neither would surprise me, really, all that much.

But he is… alive, in a way I have never experienced in anyone else.

He has these eyes like ice, if you can imagine that- I could call them silver, grey, or cloudy, but if you saw them, you would agree that _ice_ is the only fitting word. Really, you would. And these eyes of ice are almost always bored, or else disdainful. But there are these rare moments. When _something _happens. It can be brought on by anything- I haven't yet figured out the common thread, try as I might- from me completely loosing my temper and going apeshit on him, to discovering a cafe that cuts the crusts off their sandwiches, to having a brush with death. And this insane _light_ blazes to life in his eyes, making him seem absolutely crazy; making him laugh this deep, resounding laugh.

He'll look around swiftly, like a mix between a jungle-cat and Fred and George when they've had a brilliant, rapscallion, idea. And then he'll look at me, and the smirk on his face will be much more like the impish smile of a child, and something else breaks free in his eyes. Something soft and desperate and starved of life. Something that I can't name, describe, or re-create, but something that makes _me_ need like I have never needed anything before, to put some hope in that walled in, crumpled tin heart of his.

I think I'm falling in love with Draco Malfoy.

It may be the scariest thing that's ever happened to me, because I have never, ever, had less control over anything in my life. If you are aware of some of the situations I have found myself in over the course of my twenty-two years, you may think that that statement was overly dramatic. But I assure you, it wasn't. I have never fought with anyone more, I have never made up my mind about anyone more firmly, and I have rarely ever hated anyone more than I have hated Draco Malfoy.

And I have never been so powerless to my own change of heart.

It was like watching a stranger, feeling what they felt as though by some new kind of magic, watching the hatred slowly fizzle away to be replaced by some strange friendship. And then slowly, by skipped beats of my heart, and thrumming currents of an emotion I cannot describe, that funny friendship was chipped away into something deeper and much more dangerous.

I don't know if he's still a Death Eater or not. Most of the world says he is. He say's he isn't, but he would, wouldn't he.

And I feel like I walk around now, like a play-actress, smiling and delivering all my usual lines, all the knee slappers, but when I'm alone and the curtain has been drawn, I shudder and breathe deeply and try to rationalize this new and ever-growing ache in my heart that is the most dangerous kind of magic I have ever felt.

I am Ginny Weasley, out of control, out of her wild orbit. I am blissfully terrified of my own heart, because I know the love that it is capable of, and I can't believe the man it has chosen, all on it's own. It's a recipe for a disaster, a sick re-enactment of Riddle's Diary, a disgrace to my family's humble name.

_Because he is a MALFOY._

As Ron said.

* * *

_A/N- just continuing my quest in the character study of Ginny..._

_xo- Amie_


End file.
